My name is Iona

• Canadian. Engaged to a Welsh Bahamian (Bahamian, not Bohemian). Nursing her own brand of crazy. Notoriously unable to ever make up her mind. Wondering what country she'll be living in a year from now. See my About page (above) for more.

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mid-mid-life crisis

Let me begin with a few contextual explanations:

I am in University. I should be finishing in a few days. I’m not. In short: I’m indecisive.

I live in Nova Scotia in the summer - this is home. My Uni is out of province - this is my apartment and is home because The Welshman and Mungo (the cat) are here, but otherwise, it’s just the apartment.

Because The Welshman is graduating there are a lot of questions regarding where we will be next year. My life is never particularly certain, and I seem to embrace the uncertainty with wild abandon, panicking at every turn while my mind silently screams like a madwoman. The recent uncertainty just can’t be ignored, and is bringing my madness out at full volume.

This brings me to the email I sent my father this morning. I think it sums up a lot of what I’m thinking (please excuse grammar/spelling/punctuation inadequacies):

“I’m having a (non)mid-life crisis. Maybe a mid-mid-life crisis. Because we all
know that up until now I have been totally organized, decisive and driven…

But anyway…The Welshman is graduating. I am not. I hate what I’m doing. The stress is killing me and I feel like I need a break. But, that said, I am 4 years in, and I
can’t afford to take time off because I’ll need to start paying back loans…BUT
I can’t afford to come back without more loans and/or pulling money out of my ass
(which is an odd expression by the way. Why do we always assume that anything
allusive must be up the arse?)

The Welshman isn’t sure he’s going to find a job. As you know he’s trying to get into
Advertising, specifically the creative copywriting side of things. But its
turning out to be a field where experience is needed, and hard to get. He may
need to go to community college somewhere and do a program that is related. Possibly one that will offer the chance to network and create a portfolio.

[aside: he is graduating with a BA in English, I’m working on the same and WAS planning on going into education eventually]

What’s your point, Iona?
ok. so…
I don’t know if I want to be here next year. I may come back the following year.
I want to finish my BA. But maybe not right now.
For four years I have regretted not doing Fine Arts. I miss being creative. I
enjoy being creative more than anything, and when I think about my future I
can’t imagine not being creative. I keep seeing this (by “this” I think I mean
University) as an irritating time in my life that is between the exciting and
necessary world of fundamental elementary education, and the real world…where
I will have a fabulous career and be happy and artsy and worldly. The problem is
that I DON’T see a connection between what I’m doing now and the abstract
“Career” of my imagined future.

God I’m wordy…must get over that.

simple points:
- I am tentatively looking into college. Possibly outside Nova Scotia,
and maybe even in another Country.
- I’m thinking along the lines of “Visual Communication” or something similar.
New Media type stuff perhaps.

[here I sent a link to a college in London England for my fathers perusal]

The Welshman may end up leaving the country and looking for a job in England if he can’t
find anything here, and/or if he chooses not to go to college here. He’s feeling
a bit up in the air right now too. That London campus? It may not be a
possibility. I don’t know the requirements (residency, educational, fees) yet.

I’m looking into it for a few reasons though:
1) Mainly? It’s in London. The Welshman can legally live/work in London or nearby. And he has an uncle who lives in a nearby village and works in London as a pilot. There
is a Tube station.
2) Also, for some reason copping out of a BA suddenly, and having a crisis that
leads one to community college, seems more acceptable if said crisis leads to
worldly travel and experience…not a diploma from NSCC after 4 years at MTA.
3) the program sounds like what I want. Lots of Art/creativity, career oriented,
all encompassing (art medium wise).

Maybe I’m just feeding off of The Welshman’s uncertainty. Could be.

I know this seems totally out of left field. I haven’t really been thinking
seriously about it for long, but it kept crossing my mind…and now? well, I’m
sorta kinda serious.
My main fear is that this makes me a failure. Anyone can go to community
college, right? That’s how I’ve always felt anyway…or at least that’s the
impression that my peers(?) school(?) etc. has put on me. And also there are
all the tv commercials for community colleges. Are they really just too easy? or
for dumb people who can’t get into University? I dunno…the longer I’m here the
more I realize that I will still need school after my bachelors degree.
Community college may be more skills based, and employment geared. Have I been going about it all wrong?

Or am I now off my rocker and causing you to experience heart palpitations?

WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?? what am I doing with my life??

I need Daddy advice ASAP.

Love,
your totally insane eldest daughter

Published by Chi on April 3rd, 2007 tagged rants

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